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Famous Funny Quotes - 2

Q102. Once a woman has given you her heart, you can never get rid of the rest of her body. - John Vanbrugh 1696

Q103. Give a woman an inch and she thinks she's a ruler. - Anonymous

Q104. I'm the girl who lost her reputation and never missed it. - Mae West

Q105. The first half of our life is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children. - Clarence Darrow

Q106. Behind every successful man stands a surprised mother-in-law. - Hubert Humphrey

Q107. I like children. If they're properly cooked. - W. C. Fields

Q108. I used to be Snow White, but I drifted. - Mae West

Q109. There is no reciprocity. Men love women, women love children, children love hamsters. - Alice Thomas Ellis

Q110. All you need in life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure. - Mark Twain

Q111. We must believe in luck. For how else can we explain the success of those we don't like. - Jean Cocteau

Q112. He who laughs, lasts. - Mary Pettibone Poole

Q113. Living with a saint is more grueling than being one. - Robert Neville

Q114. The right to be heard does not include the right to be taken seriously. - Hubert Humphrey

Q115. The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt. - Bertrand Russell

Q116. Reality is for people who can't face drugs. - Laurence Peter

Q117. A chrysanthemum by any other name would be easier to spell. - William J. Johnston

Q118. Art is I; science is we. - Claude Bernard

Q119. Only the shallow know themselves. - Oscar Wilde

Q120. Jogging is for people who aren't intelligent enough to watch television. - Victoria Wood

Q121. Income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf. - Will Rogers

Q122. Let's forget about the six feet and talk about the seven inches. - Mae West

Q123. When everyone's somebody, then no one's anyone. - W. S. Gilbert

Q124. A camel is a horse designed by committee. - Alec Issigonis

Q125. If you obey all the rules, you miss all the fun. - Katharine Hepburn

Q126. It's a recession when you neighbor loses his job; it's a depression when you lose yours. - Harry S Truman

Q127. You must come again when you have less time. - Walter Sickert

Q128. Friends are God's apology for relations. - Hugh Kingsmill

Q129. Laugh and the world laughs with you. Snore and you sleep alone. - Anthony Burgess

Q130. Work is the curse of the drinking classes. - Oscar Wilde

Q131. Happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory. - Albert Schweitzer

Q132. It's true hard work never killed anybody, but I figure why take the chance. - Ronald Regan

Q133. Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down. - Anonymous

Q134. I'm preparing to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the ordeal of meeting me is another matter. - Winston Churchill

Q135. The meaning of life is that it stops. - Franz Kafka

Q136. Retirement means twice as much husband and half as much money. - Anonymous

Q137. Early to rise and early to bed makes a man healthy, wealthy and dead. - James Thurber

Q138. The trouble with being poor is that it takes up all your time. - William de Kooning

Q139. The meek shall inherit the earth, but not the mineral rights. - John Paul Getty

Q140. Whenever I feel the need for exercise I go and lie down for half an hour until the feeling passes. - Will Rogers

Q141. A diplomat is a man who thinks twice before he says nothing. - Frederick Sawyer

Q142. A politician is an animal that can sit on a fence and keep both ears to the ground. - H. L. Mencken

Q143. The process of scientific discovery is, in effect, a continual flight from wonder. - Albert Einstein

Q144. A speaker who does not strike oil in ten minutes should stop boring. - Louis Nizer

Q145. Nothing will ever be attempted if all possible objections must be first overcome. - Samuel Johnson

Q146. I do not believe in the collective wisdom of individual ignorance. - Thomas Carlyle

Q147. It is better to have loved and lost than never to have lost at all. - Samuel Butler

Q148. I feel that one lies to oneself more than to anyone else. - Lord Byron

Q149. Man does not live by words alone, despite the fact that he sometimes has to eat them. - Adlai Stevenson

Q150. Sin is dangerous in the hands of beginners. - Anonymous

Q151. Psychiatry: the care of the id by the odd. - Anonymous

Q152. Advertising: the rattling of a stick inside the swill bucket. - George Orwell

Q153. Diplomacy: the art of letting someone else have your way. - David Frost

Q154. Experimental Psychologist: a scientist who pulls habits out of rats. - Leonard Louis Stevenson

Q155. Let's get out of these wet clothes and into a dry martini. - Robert Benchley

Q156. I've always been interested in people, but I've never liked them. - Somerset Maugham

Q157. Even paranoids have real enemies. - Delmore Schwartz

Q158. Some people pay a compliment as if they expect a receipt. - Frank McKinney Hubbard

Q159. An atheist is a man who has no invisible means of support. - John Buchan

Q160. Somebody's boring me, I think it's me. - Dylan Thomas

Q161. I am extraordinarily patient, provided I get my own way in the end. - Margaret Thatcher

Q162. I regard you with an indifference closely bordering on aversion. - Robert Louis Stevenson

Q163. The human brain starts working the moment you are born and never stops until you stand up to speak in public. - Sir George Jessel

Q164. I am a deeply superficial person. - Andy Warhol

Q165. When choosing between two evils, I always like to take the one I've never tried before. - Mae West

Q166. I have nothing to declare except my genius. - Oscar Wilde

Q167. When in Turkey, do as the turkeys do. - Honore de Balzac

Q168. It's not only a race against the clock, it's a race against time itself. - BBC Presenter

Q169. A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her. --W.C. Fields

Q170. Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me. --Winston Churchill

Q171. Work is the curse of the drinking class. --Oscar Wilde

Q172. I drink to make other people interesting. --George Jean Nathan

Q173. Four legs good, two legs bad. - George Orwell

Q174. Half the work that is done in this world is to make things appear what they are not. - Elias Root Beadle

Q175. The illiterate of the 21st century will not be those who cannot read and write, but those who cannot learn, unlearn, and relearn.
- Alvin Toffler

Q176. Why does the Air Force need expensive new bombers? Have the people we've been bombing over the years been complaining?
- George Wallace

Q177. A cynic is a man who knows the price of everything, and the value of nothing. - Oscar Wilde

Q178. No person can be a great leader unless he takes genuine joy in the successes of those under him. - W. A. Nance

Q179. Only the suppressed word is dangerous. - Ludwig Börne

Q180. The important thing is never to stop questioning. - Albert Einstein

Q181. If you want to make enemies, try to change something.
- Woodrow Wilson

Q182. Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality.
- Jules de Gaultier

Q183. Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.
- George Santayana

Q184. I can't understand why people are frightened by new ideas. I'm frightened of old ones. - John Cage

Q185. History is the version of past events that people have decided to agree upon. - Napoleon Bonaparte

Q186. What orators lack in depth they make up for in length.
- Charles de Secondat

Q187. The most difficult thing in the world is to know how to do a thing and to watch somebody else doing it wrong, without comment.
- T. H. White

Q188. The beginning of wisdom is to call things by their right names.
- Chinese proverb

Q189. Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.
- Groucho Marx

Q190. As I grow older, I pay less attention to what men say. I just watch what they do. - Andrew Carnegie

Q191. Lots of times you have to pretend to join a parade in which you're not really interested in order to get where you're going.
- Christopher Darlington Morley

Q192. When people are free to do as they please, they usually imitate each other. - Eric Hoffer

Q193. Do the right thing. It will gratify some people and astonish the rest. - Mark Twain

Q194. Life is the art of drawing sufficient conclusions from insufficient premises. - Samuel Butler

Q195. Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example. - Mark Twain

Q196. Don't go around saying the world owes you a living; the world owes you nothing; it was here first. - Mark Twain

Q197. The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made. - Groucho Marx

Q198. Speak when you're angry, and you'll make the best speech you'll ever regret.
- Lawrence J. Peter

Q199. When I grow up I want to be a little boy. - Joseph Heller

Q200. Be a good listener. Your ears will never get you in trouble. - Frank Tyger

Q201. He who laughs, lasts. - Mary Poole

Q202. A democracy that isn't, is a hypocrisy. - K. S. Kantola


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