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Famous Funny Quotes

Famous quotes, jokes, and pictures on hundreds of funny t-shirts - check out this entire site! If you know more famous quotes you'd like to see here, send them in.

 

Q1. To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance - Oscar Wilde

Q2. I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.
- Thomas Edison

Q3. Not a shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is serious. Brendan Gill

Q4. The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good. - Samuel Johnson

Q5. Everyone is a genius at least once a year; a real genius has his original ideas closer together. - Georg Lichtenberg

Q6. If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
- Alice Roosevelt Longworth

Q7. As to marriage or celibacy, let a man take the course he will. He will be sure to repent. Socrates

Q8. Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.
- Oscar Wilde

Q9. Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution yet. Mae West

Q10. Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience. Oscar Wilde

Q11. An eye for eye only ends up making the whole world blind. Gandhi

Q12. He who knows that enough is enough will always have enough. Lao Tsu

Q13. Never invest your money in anything that eats or needs painting. Billy Rose

Q14. A rich man's joke is always funny. Proverb

Q15. Never insult an alligator until after you have crossed the river. Cordel Hull

Q16. When one burns one's bridges, what a very nice fire it makes. Dylan Thomas

Q17. I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.
Winston Churchill

Q18. Though I am not naturally honest, I am so sometimes by chance. William Shakespeare

Q19. A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies. Oscar Wilde

Q20. There are three faithful friends—an old wife, an old dog, and ready money.
Benjamin Franklin

Q21. Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much. Oscar Wilde

Q22. I can resist everything except temptation. Oscar Wilde

Q23. To cease smoking is the easiest thing. I ought to know. I've done it a thousand times. Mark Twain

Q24. Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted.
Martin Luther King

Q25. Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.
Albert Einstein

Q26. Children are unpredictable. You never know what inconsistency they're going to catch you in next. Franklin P. Jones

Q27. What is a committee? A group of the unwilling, picked from the unfit, to do the unnecessary. Richard Harkness

Q28. Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever. Gandhi

Q29. The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it.
Franklin P. Jones

Q30. All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should
have been more specific. Jane Wagner

Q31. Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. Oscar Wilde

Q32. I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because
I hate plants. A. Whitney Brown

Q33. Experience is that marvellous thing that enables you recognise a mistake
when you make it again. F. P. Jones

Q34. "Sure, everyone always said 'Socrates what is the meaning of life?' or
'Socrates how can I find happiness?', did anyone ever say 'Socrates
hemlock is poison.'???????" Socrates right before his death

Q35. When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before. - Mae West

Q36. The direct use of force is such a poor solution to any problem, it is
generally employed only by small children and large nations. David Friedman

Q37. We must become the change we want to see. Gandhi

Q38. Start every day off with a smile and get it over with. W. C. Fields

Q39. The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new
discoveries, is not 'Eureka!' (I found it!) but 'That's funny ...' Isaac Asimov

Q40. I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin, but by the content of their character. Martin Luther King

Q41. Do just once what others say you can't do and you will never pay attention to their limitations again. James R. Cook

Q42. Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds.
--Albert Einstein

Q43. Gravitation can not be held responsible for people falling in love.
--Albert Einstein

Q44. Its not whether you get knocked down. Its whether you get up again.
-Vince Lombardi

Q45. Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. -Eleanor Roosevelt

Q46. Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever. - Napoleon Bonaparte

Q47. Don't be so humble - you are not that great. - Golda Meir

Q48. People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid. - Soren Kierkegaard

Q49. Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted. - Albert Einstein

Q50. Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former. - Albert Einstein

Q51. A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on. - Sir Winston Churchill

Q52. I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use. - Galileo Galilei

Q53. In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is. - Jan van de Snepscheut

Q54. I find that the harder I work, the more luck I seem to have.
- Thomas Jefferson

Q55. A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.
- Paul Erdos

Q56. If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you'd best teach it to dance. - George Bernard Shaw

Q57. Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake. - Napoleon Bonaparte

Q58. Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe. - H. G. Wells

Q59. Talent does what it can; genius does what it must. - Edward George Bulwer-Lytton

Q60. The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'.
- unknown

Q61. If you are going through hell, keep going. - Sir Winston Churchill

Q62. God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.
- Voltaire

Q63. Facts are the enemy of truth. - Don Quixote

Q64. We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time. - Vince Lombardi

Q65. All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.
- Ambrose Bierce

Q66. All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.
- Arthur Schopenhauer

Q67. Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away. - Antoine de Saint Exupery

Q68. Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance. - Will Durant

Q69. If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough.
- Mario Andretti

Q70. Wit is educated insolence. - Aristotle

Q71. Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me. - Ambrose Bierce

Q72. It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity. - Albert Einstein

Q73. Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one. - Albert Einstein

Q74. Everything has been figured out, except how to live. - Jean-Paul Sartre

Q75. When ideas fail, words come in very handy. - Goethe

Q76. If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.
- Aristotle Onassis

Q77. I am not young enough to know everything. - Oscar Wilde

Q78. If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one? - Abraham Lincoln

Q79. Few things are harder to put up with than a good example. - Mark Twain

Q80. I have never let my schooling interfere with my education. - Mark Twain

Q81. Being on the tightrope is living; everything else is waiting. - Karl Wallenda

Q82. Well done is better than well said. - Benjamin Franklin

Q83. There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it. - Oscar Wilde

Q84. You must believe in free will; there is no choice. - Isaac Bashevis Singer

Q85. Be sincere; be brief; be seated. - Franklin D. Roosevelt

Q86. Repetition does not transform a lie into a truth. - Franklin D. Roosevelt

Q87. From now on, ending a sentence with a preposition is something up with which I will not put. - Sir Winston Churchill

Q88. When you have got an elephant by the hind leg, and he is trying to run away, it's best to let him run. - Abraham Lincoln

Q89. You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of the time, but you cannot fool all of the people all of the time. - Abraham Lincoln

Q90. A camel is a horse designed by committee. -Sir Alec Issigonis

Q91. Minds are like parachutes. They only function when they are open. - Sir James Dewar

Q92. Act in the valley so that you need not fear those who stand on the hill. - Danish proverb

Q93. Life is the art of drawing sufficient conclusions from insufficient premises. - Samuel Butler

Q94. If a million people say a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing. - Anatole France

Q95. Doubt is not a pleasant condition, but certainty is absurd. - Voltaire

Q96. A jury consists of twelve people who determine which client has the better lawyer. - Robert Frost

Q97. The most difficult thing in the world is to know how to do a thing and to watch somebody else doing it wrong, without comment. - T. H. White

Q98. It's kind of fun to do the impossible. - Walt Disney

Q99. What orators lack in depth they make up for in length. - Charles de Secondat

Q100. Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools, because they have to say something. - Plato

Q101. 640K ought to be enough for anybody. - Bill Gates

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